THE TRIUMPH OF A LOST SOUL December 26, 2008
Posted by arun in Philosophy, happenings, life, personal, thoughts.4 comments
Slept thro’ the days and wept thro’ the nights,
Sought wisdom from a few undefeated knights,
Leaped thro’ many dreams, did you hear the screams?
Wasn’t aware I’d get caught in one
Turned out to be the worst nightmare!
If you’d ask now, I couldn’t care,
But it was insane; allow me to explain.
So consumed by cherubic innocence and beauty,
Lost my profundity,
With the world suddenly becoming two dimensional,
Failed to realize that suffering was optional,
Her feelings were never real but virtual,
Spite of the grotesque gorgeousness,
Blinded with the thought of grasping divine,
I decided to trade a valuable station,
Immaturity for sublime!
Only to bring me down,
I caved and dug my own grave.
Sanctity of my life got trivialized,
Think of it, I realized,
I lived with no color but gray of all shades,
Only to haunt me till my memory fades.
In the cobbled streets of my mind braided with topiaries,
I tried to savor those paltry moments,
Compassion with superfluous narcissism,
With the slightest of compunction,
but a subtle conciliatory tone of guilt,
Fear, tears and self-loathing on an infinite loop
Where the message never got through,
The melodrama seemed so magical
aha, how illogical?
A confused xeric soul in distress,
I can only wish and bless.
I wasn’t sure before,
But now I know; I will never obtain closure.
I snapped out of the dream, within a dream?
A blaze of light with a conjuring voice embraced me,
“I came to save you, your disheartened soul”, she said as I smelt her gleaming aura,
“Will you stay to heal me?” I asked,
What do you think? She replied.
NOBODY TO BLAME April 15, 2008
Posted by arun in life, personal, thoughts.Tags: bliss, Confusion, end, lost, meaning, restlessness, weird
18 comments
Maladjusted, confused and incapacitated, on a rainy day and a lugubrious weather, with an espresso on one hand, and a bunch of songs playing from my iPod connected to my laptop, couldn’t help but set out to spit out my vague and strewn thoughts as vaguely as possible. Suddenly, every song you have heard all day seems to have a profound implication, an enormous benthic sense. You try not to linger on this one particular thought but you cant stop. At times, you don’t know what you are thinking about. And at times, you don’t even know you are thinking about something and a friend wakes you from the momentary solitary disposition. Your heart is perturbing. You think you might be satisfied if you could rationalize the happenings and try to put the blame on someone, even if it is you. At least then, you can find peace. You want to put an end, but damn, there is no one to blame. It is not exactly anyone’s fault why what’s happening is happening. You knew what you were getting into. You yielded into temptation. There is no easy way out. You smile for no reason when you are in a bus, you realize what you are doing and then laugh at yourself for being so lost. Sometimes even curse yourself for being so gullible and vulnerable.
All this balderdash for what? Remembering the Auld Lang Syne? Or an outcome of your unstable and errant thought-process? You think you were in control of everything, that you handle the balance of the syncretism of your emotional and rational/logical decision making skills efficiently. And therefore, you expect a state of eclat, a feel of ebullience as always. You think you can handle yourself with the aplomb of the capable man you thought you were. But, you never knew when melancholy struck you, let you get lost in the midst of stygian caves. And then all you do is totter and totter and totter. Even the slightest susurrus tempts you, your eyes reflect pain, affection and helplessness all at the same instant. You are the anomaly in the equation and its not going to work, it will never, its not logical.
Do you accept the choice?? Would you let it go?? As of me, I don’t want to answer it. I am afraid I may not like the answer. Not now. So much for my tomfoolery, I winced owing to restlessness… And then, out of no where, there was absolute silence, a feeling as light as a feather, that I hoped and longed for…
there were no thoughts, no confusion…. and there she was!! What do I do?
I should have known my moiety by now.
THE QUAGMIRE OF ENTANGLED CHOICES February 12, 2008
Posted by arun in Philosophy, life, personal, thoughts.Tags: Aishwarya rai, anger, bitch, Bond movie, Choice, decisions, future generation, india, Jamesbond, karma, life, maturity, nation, Philosophy, probability, rage, rambling, students, thoughts
4 comments
During one of those meaningless pondering moments, it came to my mind, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” which off late goes by the saying “Karma is a bitch”. However, if you think about, it masquerades in the form of “choice”. Each and every stage in everyone’s life is governed by choice. It goes by another menacing term which scientists often use, usually when they don’t know what the hell they are talking about or couldn’t corroborate their facts: “Probability”. Choice embraces you tightly, masking you under the percept of “hope”, but with ingratiating smile and unctuous desires to bite you in the ass. Unfortunately, we all realize only after it happens. We can’t always make it right.
I can not help but wonder at my ignorance over these years. I have always bitched over the fact that my parents have been over-protective. They have and are guiding me through every stage of my life, with their dreams of seeing me as a member of the erudite community. Now, this is karma’s second messenger “expectation” 
. But, when I look back now, I understand they had to be over-protective because they knew, I wasn’t ready to play gambling with choices. I was only gloating with pride because everything was happening my way. It took me a while, a period of 20+ years to gain some perspective. But enough about me.
My concerns are truly about the next generation. I don’t know whether to call this ignorance or frustration. You might remember the incident that happened December of last year in India, where an 8th standard kid shot his classmate because he was the hector (bully) of his class!! He made a faltering decision that potentially alters his life for ever. He foundered utterly in controlling his emotions, his rage overpowered him! These incidents are starting to happen more than ever in India. It seriously troubles me, I can’t even imagine the plight if this trend were to continue. The attitude of one to handle tirades or bully appropriately through proper channels, if not concluded with a descent conversation, would have been the best choice for everyone. Taking drastic measures over a tenuous argument or a couple of school-fights, as in this case, puts every one in state of misery! The kid says “I did nothing wrong, he deserved this!” How more vindictive can it get? I feel as if the endurance limit is dwindling…:(
The important thing to realize is, you shouldn’t be afraid of making choices. You simply can’t be afraid. Instead, you have to choose wisely always. Its an ever lasting battle. For example, if Aishwarya Rai hadn’t reneged on a proffer to act in a Bond movie, I would have stopped watching Bond movies. I feel she would be an ersatz replacement. She just isn’t Bond material, in spite of her poignant looks. Good choice Ash. ha ha.
As I started, the number of things I wanted to write about kept on piling up and I couldn’t organize or keep it related enough. I didn’t want to get all philosophical in conveying my concerns, rather, to keep it as terse as possible. I felt the topic was quite heavy, therefore ending with a silly dry humor. But then, hey, these are my “ramblings” aren’t they! 
ENGLISH LANGUAGE, I ADMIRE January 13, 2008
Posted by arun in humor, life, personal, thoughts.Tags: convey, English, expression, father, happiness, interests, language, motivation, satisfaction, thesaurus, thoughts, vocabulary
7 comments
I am not a voracious blogger unlike my other very good friend Perumal. You can see his 4 blog links on my Blogroll! In spite of his capricious delete-join spree associated with Orkut , he has been actively and elegantly blogging for quite a long time now. How he finds time to write amidst his schedule is a wonder. But, it instills in me the quality of perseverance to continue to blog for the reasons I actually started this in the first place. I say this because, usually, I start to blog with all the will power one can have and then quickly it vaporizes into thin air. Not this time! I have always had a particular jones to English language and have always been trying to learn new words to express my thoughts with better clarity. It gives me a greater sense of satisfaction. Blogging serves every purpose, including the compromise for the evil “laziness” (which is of course good). Some connoted that my writing or narration is good in addition to my vocabulary. Thank you! And I certainly don’t deny that I sometimes make the wrong usage for a particular word I learnt. Correct me if you find any.
I get reminded of a particular incident I would like to share. I was taking part in an English oratorical competition back in 1996/97. The topic was something related to my country India and its patriotic leaders who struggled for independence. I sought the help of my father, a major in Physics, whom I admire for his extraordinary oratorical skills and his command of English language in spite of studying in a pure Tamil medium. So, I approached him and asked to write 2 pages of worthy content with magniloquent English that would fetch me a first prize. He insisted on me writing the 2 pages as a rough draft and bringing it back to him and that he would paraphrase it. Of course it was the right approach, but back then, I was pissed off. I insinuated in him that I knew zilch about the leaders and the struggle, I was in my 7th grade. Then, he complied on writing the “script” if I sat along with him. After numerous editing and proper juxtaposing of the content for proper continuity, WE finished it . He asked me to memorize it and then perform in front of him with adequate gesticulation (which shows the involvement), before the competition. He has always asked me to read newspapers, for it helps in keeping up with the current events and also learning English. Come on, who reads it at age 12?? He has bragged a gazillion times about how he used to read the newspaper and referred the dictionary for improving his English . I remember vividly, while writing, he told me how beautiful it would be to express one’s thoughts with clarity, with command over language, and also the importance of vocabulary. He is certainly no Shakespeare. But, I was impressed with the way he explained it. He asked me, how would you say this in English?
I have to write this in Tamil.
“rendu thoguthiku naduvila vizhaivukal puriyama kazhlpunarchi (virodham) naala sandai”. Roughly translated means, There is a fight because of enmity between two societies without awareness of the aftereffects.
Certainly, it was not difficult to translate. I was preening after I translated it with a minimum effort (worse than the rough translation above). He replied,
or you can say it like this. “Exasperated by vituperation, our antagonists have inaugurated hostility in our locality unintimidated vaticination of catastrophe.”
When I heard it back then, it certainly left me awestruck. I started laughing boisterously and was filled with delight. I badly wanted to know more words. I asked him to write it down for me. I memorized that even before starting with the script to boast to my friends at school. It worked . With maturity over years, more than preening, the purpose let me learn better.
The End .
THE BEST 2007 OFFERED… January 7, 2008
Posted by arun in happenings, life, personal, thoughts.Tags: adorable, baby, beautiful, completeness, cute, family, happiness, health, loneliness, love, princess, wishes
3 comments
I came for my masters to Germany in Sep’06. Within 2-3 months, the weather became gelid and started to snow, as it is now. It is extremeness for people from Southern India, Chennai especially. Also, snow is a silent depressor. It puts you in a state of depression even without you realizing it. Fortunate for me, I find comfort in solitary and gregarious phases. However, I have been deprived of a plethora of events and experiences one could enjoy back at home. The glorious nostalgia owing to the lacunae of this period can be countervailed by only cherishing those memories. I prefer to defer writing on those other ebullient moments I miss, dedicating this blog solely to the ONE & ONLY BEST thing that 2007 had to offer me; a new member to our family – my sister’s baby – Samyuktha!!
It was November 18th, one fine Sunday morning, when I got the call from my father (conversation translated to English).
Dad: Hey Arun, How are you?
Me: Hi pa, I am fine! How are things there? How is akka (sister)?
Dad: I called you in that regard only. Your sister has given birth to a baby girl today!!!
Me: Really??? Awesome, Wondrous, great!!! I won the bet with akka. It is a girl.
Dad: Yes, yes, you did (laughing rhapsodically). The delivery went fine. She is resting now.
Me: That is good. Have athimber (Sister’s husband) and akka come up with a name?
Dad: I don’t know about it yet.
Me: This is great news. And I am stuck here.
Dad: Yes, we know! Your mom was also saying the same. We miss your presence. However, I have to get back to take care of some chores here. I will call you again in the evening. Mom will also be available.
Me: Ok pa, sure. Convey my heartiest regards to Athimber and Akka. I will mail both of them. This is great news!! bye.
(We spoke in the evening). I was filled with a feeling of ineffable ecstasy, a state of euphoria, a sense of gratification, exuberance and excessive joy; though I feel I express them nonchalantly for no apparent reasons. While delivering emotions to one’s expectations in especially demanding situations has been always a challenging task to me, it should be fairly conspicuous that I am certainly not emotionally detached. I had to mention this because, I have encountered a lot of people who misunderstood me to be aloof or an introvert before they became close to me. And I really take my time before I express myself and confide in one completely.
Within a couple days, I was linked to snapfish. Though it is a step short of reality, I smiled with joy as I looked at the photos; she was very cute, and small. Because I am 6′3” and people always have this amusing look when I lift a baby, the thought of me lifting her and others grinning at that made me smile. It gave me a greater sense of satisfaction. A few weeks later, on various occasions, while speaking to my sister, I heard her babyish rambling and occasional crying. These things you realize and feel the absence only when you miss it. To a person experiencing it, it may seem very ordinary. Those were the best days of 2007.
I wanted to put an effort into writing and expressing my thoughts, that struck me and are worthy of, over which I was pondering on a few moments ago whilst hovering over a bunch of sites mindlessly. I can’t wait to see the little princess. I wish her a healthy long life and happiness and my love to athimber and akka.
THE DECEPTIVELY INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS January 1, 2008
Posted by arun in personal, thoughts.Tags: argument, conversation, nothingness, words
1 comment so far
Couple days back, I had the least veritable conversations in my life! Including me, we were three. I was disappointed, disgruntled and even lost my temper. It all started when I quoted from Oscar Wilde’s “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them”. It was regarding the actual meaning of the word “judge”, where the conflicts of opinions lead to a very heated discussion, not at all constructive. It was a garrulous talk, where we told each one of our views in a million different ways trying to insinuate our definition on to others. The opinion of my friends was that the usage of the word “Judge” there was inappropriate. I asked why and told them I can judge anyone, including my parents, while my friend asked “do you JUDGE your parents?” Yes I do, I am human. While my point of view was thoroughly sticking to the fact that the dictionary’s definition of the word “judge” defines its usage as“to make an opinion of or to make a careful guess about or to conclude or assess or to form an estimate of or to infer or think about a person”, the other two disregarded the definition of Merriam-Webster’s or Dictionary.com’s because it’s incomplete and that “judge” has a philosophical sense into it!!?? We learnt English from people who dint have English as their first language. Also, apart from education, the sources of improving our vocabulary further is to somehow learn words from dictionary; be it directly or by reading novels or whatever alternatives. That way, we are able to better express our emotions say, “I was excited” or It was a wondrous trip” or the like. My view was that the English language or source or literature has demanded the usage of the word “judge” to be what it is. My friend’s points of view was that, according to him, the meaning of “judge” is, “totally agreeing or decisively agreeing to make an opinion of”, meaning there should not be any more change in views. However, that makes it more of “concluding on” which is probably one of the many usages, usually used in say a legal judgment after careful analysis of evidence. English language does not restrict the usage for “judge” to that occasion alone. You do something good or bad; I tend to make an opinion about you and keep it to myself or tell my opinion to others. I judge you. It doesn’t concern if I made the right choice or I was biased or stressed or sleepy. My friend told that he can never judge but he has opinions about people. Do you see what I am seeing? Our interpretations and false usage masked our percept thereby disagreeing to what it really is. Finally I tried to explain again which concluded that conversation while I don’t know if there was harmony or if they understood and were able to accept it.
The above conversation solely happened with one of them whereas the one below happened with the other. With no recollection of how it happened, this talk slid its way in the middle. It was very short for there is nothing to continue after these impeccable views!! Pardon my sardonic insolence…
Me: Do you believe if I said the current population of India is 150 million?
He: No, I don’t.
Me: Do you believe the census which says, the current population of India is about 1 billion?
He: No, I don’t.
Me: What?? You don’t believe the census? (At least as an approximate measure)
He: How can I believe it if I have not taken the census myself man?
Me: Oh I see, then you don’t believe mathematics, physics, chemistry, biology or for that matter nothing other than the things you have done.
He: That is true.
Me: (because he is good at chemistry), so, you don’t believe in, say, the reaction of benzene with chlorine to form chlorobenzene?
He: No, I haven’t done it yet. But I have done chloronitrobenzene in the lab. So, I believe it.
Here, I should have asked something which I forgot to ask at that point. However, for the sake of brevity, I have continued the conversation with the missed out part which I asked later here.
Me: How do you know its chlorine and benzene and some nitro compound you worked with and the end result was chloronitrobenzene?
He: Oh, you are asking like that. Then, I am sorry, yes, you are right. I don’t believe in Chloronitrobenzene either. (Confused really or an urge to win the conversation?)
actual argument continues…
Me: Do you believe your mom is indeed your mom and your dad is indeed your dad?
He: Yes, of course, I do!!
Me: How did you know that? Do you remember the experiences of communicating with your mom while you were in the womb?
He: I have been with her and she has taken care of me through my life. To me, she is my mom!
Me: (understandable) so you may be an adopted child, you cannot confirm or conclude regarding your birth (because he of course does not believe in DNA).
He: Yes, I cannot confirm by birth.
Me: Do you really lead this life or you just degrade yourself to this extent for preserving your self-esteem or pride or whatever, just for the sake of a conversation, because the idea of losing gets into your nerves? You seem to be an educated illiterate to me.
He: You can think whatever you want to.
Me: So why do you study masters at all? Why study at all?
He: I have to get a job man. To live!
Me: You could have got a job after the under graduation itself. You could have got even before that if just living is your issue.
He: That is difficult. I wanted to get better jobs.
Me: How do you know they are difficult? You have not done them yet.
He: Yes, I haven’t. That is why, I am telling you, I will try everything after this.
Me: What?
He: I will try all the jobs to know which is good for me.
Me: great! Good luck with that.
