arun’s blog

Maladjusted, confused and incapacitated, on a rainy day and a lugubrious weather, with an espresso on one hand, and a bunch of songs playing from my iPod connected to my laptop, couldn’t help but set out to spit out my vague and strewn thoughts as vaguely as possible. Suddenly, every song you have heard all day seems to have a profound implication, an enormous benthic sense. You try not to linger on this one particular thought but you cant stop. At times, you don’t know what you are thinking about. And at times, you don’t even know you are thinking about something and a friend wakes you from the momentary solitary disposition. Your heart is perturbing. You think you might be satisfied if you could rationalize the happenings and try to put the blame on someone, even if it is you. At least then, you can find peace. You want to put an end, but damn, there is no one to blame. It is not exactly anyone’s fault why what’s happening is happening. You knew what you were getting into. You yielded into temptation. There is no easy way out. You smile for no reason when you are in a bus, you realize what you are doing and then laugh at yourself for being so lost. Sometimes even curse yourself for being so gullible and vulnerable.

All this balderdash for what? Remembering the Auld Lang Syne? Or an outcome of your unstable and errant thought-process?  You think you were in control of everything, that you handle the balance of the syncretism of your emotional and rational/logical decision making skills efficiently. And therefore, you expect a state of eclat, a feel of ebullience as always. You think you can handle yourself with the aplomb of the capable man you thought you were. But, you never knew when melancholy struck you, let you get lost in the midst of stygian caves. And then all you do is totter and totter and totter. Even the slightest susurrus tempts you, your eyes reflect pain, affection and helplessness all at the same instant. You are the anomaly in the equation and its not going to work, it will never, its not logical.

Do you accept the choice?? Would you let it go?? As of me, I don’t want to answer it. I am afraid I may not like the answer. Not now. So much for my tomfoolery, I winced owing to restlessness… And then, out of no where, there was absolute silence, a feeling as light as a feather, that I hoped and longed for…

there were no thoughts, no confusion…. and there she was!! What do I do?
I should have known my moiety by now.